Diddy is the absolute worst manager of all time

So recently, Snoop Dogg decided to change his name to Snoop Lion. I started on my typical judgement:

...Because that is actually the stupidest name change known to man. What really annoys me is that he thought he could go from a dog to a cat. He's really tryna animorph into another family, species, and genus like its no big deal. C'mon son. And plus I have strong feelings about cats.

But then I thought back to another famous business name change that actually worked out well: Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs to Sean "P. Diddy" Combs...to Sean "Diddy" Combs. Who could have predicted that would turn out so well? Seriously....this guy:

 

 just fastforward to 1:50 to watch him eat cereal with orange juice and then "dance". smh.

As I sat and watched this video, I scratched my head. Then laughed. Then remembered that this was Diddy and got angry. Why? Because he is the single worst manager of all time. He's taken groups and individuals that I've liked under his wing and basically killed any chance of them having any longevity in the music business. To be fair, I have no evidence that he actually purposefully placed the poison apple of failure in their midst, but he is the common factor. Where there's smoke, there's fire; where there's fire, there's cambodian breast milk; and where there's cambodian breast milk, there's Diddy, ruining everyone's music careers. Lets look at a couple of people/bands that just dont exist anymore:

a) Dream

Dream was everyone's favorite girl band for like 6 days in 2001. They consisted of the lead (and only) singer ginger girl, the Hispanic girl, the short haired blonde girl who got some talky bits, and the annoying long haired blonde girl who got the other talky bits (I dont know why but she was always my least favorite). They joined Diddy's Bad Boy records (misstep number one) dropped this song and it became a hit, giving every fifth grade girl the musical accompaniment and inspiration to confront the hoochie who was talking to (as in literally speaking to) her fifth grade man. Just when the world thought they had been blessed with the White Destiny's Child (they still had four members back then didn't they?), Diddy comes in and ruins everything. They release the fantastic follow-up single "This is me," and you're starting to count your chickens before they hatch. Never fear, in swoops Diddy to release THE SAME SONG as their third single, but as a "remixed" (i.e. crap) version. I'm groaning and shaking my head as I type this.

I mean, he basically gets way to close to long haired blonde for most of the video, adds an unknown rapping guy who looks like a fat version of Hoodie Allen minus all his likeability and flow, and then hijacks the video to dance by himself for like 30 seconds. I'm also convinced that that isn't even him dancing. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS DIDDY. Long story short, Dream became a nightmare and fell of the face of the earth forever, the end.

B) Cassie

Hey, did you know that Cassie has had a song out for the last 6 months and that her second album is "dropping" in September? NOPE.

So young Cassie was just some pretty biddy underage drinking and dancing at some clubs when Ryan Leslie picked her out of the moshing crowd and wanted to make her a star. Cool. He writes "Me and U" for her (you know, that song where she's dancing ALONE for the whole song), it becomes a hit at clubs in Europe. Huzzah! Then Diddy gets involved. Ruh-roh. I'm starting to get a bit antsy because of the whole Dream fiasco, but I give it a shot. And surprisingly, I get one of my favorite songs of 2006, Long Way 2 Go:

I'm just like YUSSSS DIS MA SONG!! In retrospect, the lyrics are pretty atrocious and her rapping is...I mean, she's just talking. But I was super into it, so whatever. But then, nothing. I'm waiting patiently, but nada. Zip. Zilch.

...Basically we never hear about her again. Oh except that when she was the featured girl in Kanye's Stronger video and STILL not putting out mediocre music that I can grind to at parties. I'm not mad. And she was DATING DIDDY. I just...WHY. That's probably the reason she was never dropped from Bad Boy Records, but it's like a double edged sword, innit? She's legally/emotionally bound to him, so she's never out of a job, but she'll probably never release anything of substance again and stay stuck looking like Skrillex because of her stupid haircut. She can't escape. Sadness.

And the new song isn't even that good. SAVE US RYAN LESLIE, PLEASE. WE WERE SO CLOSE.

C) All "Making the Band" Groups Ever

This is probably why Diddy is the worst. He makes us sit through like 85 seasons of "Making the Band," has each band release one song, and then dissolves them. The two most prominent ones were Danity Kane and Day26. "Da band" doesn't count because they never had a chance, even with the top 5 rappers of all time in the group.

Danity Kane, however, was supposed to be a good group. My girl Aundrea was the Christina Aguilera of the group (you know, before Christina got horrible and started ruining the national anthem). Aubrey was actually talented and pretty. Dawn was there (I dont remember anything else about her). The other two I dont even remember, but they worked. This song was great...kind of

I mean, I dont know. Its another one of those situations where now that I'm listening to this they should definitely have been broken up based on merit because this song is what it would sound like if your voice box was a kazoo. I can't believe this was a real song. Everything about this is terrible. But fifteen year old me was all about showstopping in my kitten heels at homecoming. 

BUT OF COURSE, Diddy wasn't feeling my showstopping, and pulled this act. 

For the first time, you actually get to WATCH him dissolve someone's career. My favorite part is when Diddy is all "Emotions will have you broke," when he has more Emotions than a dorm full of hormonal first year girls on their periods. Then he up and fires Aubrey and poof, what do we have now?

Woof. Aubrey now spends her days ruining Arsenio Hall's life on the Celebrity Apprentice. And Diddy Dirty Money, his new group with Dawn? Haven't heard from them in forever (Hello, Goodmorning was a surprise hit though.). So he actually killed two birds with one stone.

And then there's Day26. Day26 has a special place in my heart, despite the fact that I wouldn't recognize anyone in this group if they came up to me in the middle of the street and said 'Hi! I'm in Day26' and started singing "Got Me Going". I'm all about them though because I will always support men with semi-soulful voices who can harmonize. And this song was a JAM:

 But other than this, I cannot for the life of me name a single other song by these guys. Again, I'm pretty sure this was around the same time that Diddy swooped in with Diddy Dirty Money and made all his groups a side project to his own side project. Ugh, I feel like even I could do a better job than this.

Basically Diddy shouldn't be allowed to handle people, only money. and even then you kind of have to be skeptical:

 ...he's just...so confused.


So Lets recap: 5 for Diddy (counting DDM), and none for the mediocre music loving american public, bye.


Cheers,

Abena