As per usual, I complain day in and day out that Justin Timberlake needs to stop kidding himself about being a #siriusactor and get back in the recording studio. Of course, I say this despite the fact that I've only seen him "acting" in the Disney Channel Original Movie "Model Behavior," which I am convinced is his finest work. For those who haven't seen this Disney Classic, here's a clip!
1. Off topic, but a huge shout-out to all the biddies who put up literally EVERY DCOM EVER MADE on youtube. You are my heroes. Thank you for reminding everyone how DCOMs were done before everyone was already some try-hard on the Disney Channel and wanted to be a quadruple threat singer-dancer-actor-druggie or whatever (I'm obviously not including my home-skillet-biscuit Raven in that category because she is amazing and both That's so Raven and the Cheetah Girls were flawless).
2. HOLY CRAP THIS IS RUFF. He is just...trying so hard, with his Shaft-influenced long jacket. You can even see Brillo-head look up for a second (probably at the director) for the signal to go in for the kiss. And I refuse to believe that he is any better in his other movie roles than he is here.
He really was at his best when he was singing. Though I will admit that I really wasn't feeling Justified when it came out, I soon learned the error of my ways. It was essentially like the last NSYNC album Celebrity (Which was very good) minus the three flop back-up singers and JC. And then Futuresex/Lovesounds dropped and it felt like your 4th birthday all over again (I believe birthdays one through four were probably the best because you had no idea what was going on but everyone was losing their minds over your existance and giving you cakes and presents...the good old days) ...only really really sexy. I'm re-listening to the album as I write this and dying all over again. Seriously, almost every song is perfect. Futuresex/Lovesounds. Summer Love. My Love. LOVESTONED.
I mean, come on!!! How great is this song??? Even his horribly ill-fitting, un-ironed, three sizes too big grey suit during the "I Think That She Knows" part can't ruin this for me. Part of me thinks he realized that this was Pop Perfection tinged with R&B greatness and could never top it...and every day, millions of girls and boys shed a single tear about it.
However, that hasn't stopped tons of people from trying to fill the void over the last six years. But you know what its like? Its like when that old lady in Spain tried to restore the century old fresco...This is what we got:
...just...what...I cannot even...in the words of Ryan Lochte: "NO JEAH 4 YOU!"
This month alone, England has come out swinging with their Justin Timberlake inspired musicians. Three of my favorite pop music blogs (Discopop Directory and PopJustice and theProphetblog) have already weighed in on them, so I figure I can have a go.
The first offenders are X-factor runners-up, JLS.
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| Jack the Lad Swing |
They are known for Marvin by far being the hottest in the group and being married to Rochelle from the Saturdays (oh wait, no one but me knows that?), having some catchy songs, and then some down right awful ones. 30 seconds of research just told me that their song "The Club is Alive", also known as THE WORST SONG/SINGLE PROBABLY EVER got to number 1 on the UK charts...I am literally dumbstruck. There must be something (like a bacteria) in the water over there that caused deafness during that week the song came out.
That being said, this is their new song. Its called...ugh..."Hottest Girl in the World"
No actually, the reason this is awful is the lyrics. GOOD GRACIOUS THE LYRICS.
"I can be your Toy-friend"
...what? really?
"If you should ever wonder why these dudes all fall in line, it's cause they see that sexiness has finally been defined"
This is how I feel hearing that:
"How does it feel to be the hottest girl in the world right now?"
NO. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NO.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART IS?
...I'm starting to like it a little bit...I think I need an intervention. Someone needs to come shake it out of me. Like, I KNOW. I know its terrible, but when everything but the beat drops out I start to do this:
Next we have their White Soul Singer Flavor of the Month, Tyler James with "Single Tear"
I'd never heard of him so I had to do some research. First, his name is actually Kenneth Gordon. Tyler James seems like a bit of a stretch in terms of name change, so I don't like him already. And apparently he is a The Voice UK runner-up (maybe this is a runner-up syndrome?) recently or something. And in 2002 he was hailed as "Britain's answer to Justin Timberlake."
...okay. Number one, NO ONE EVEN ASKED YOU THAT QUESTION, SO I REJECT YOUR ANSWER. And number two, NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO.
I mean, I've watched the video. Like, I get it.You can sing in falsetto. And the song like, isn't bad. It is all the things that I generally like. Its pretty catchy, super soulfully-angsty, and very "Cry Me a River." But that is exactly the problem. It's beyond unoriginal and just takes everything about the song and video for Cry Me a River, but makes it mediocre. I don't really need to watch someone slobbering over some girl while taking a video...again. It was weird and different and cool the first time, not now. Yeah, that's my problem. I also would have appreciated a bridge before the last chorus but like whatever. He's just trying too hard.
Finally, we have the youngin' known as Conor Maynard.
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| It was really hard trying to find a picture where he didn't look like an infant. oh welp. |
But you know what? I...dont hate it...at all. His voice is miles better that what you would expect from looking at his face. He was a glorious break (and anyone who knows me knows how I feel about singers with breaks in their voices), and his music is SUPER catchy (Can't Say No, and Vegas Girl for those who don't know...although I'm not sure what the hell a 'Vegas Girl' is according to him, or if he's ever been to Las Vegas).
This is his new song, "Turn Around" ft. Ne-Yo
This is Conor Maynard serving up some Chris Brown "Beautiful People"/"Dont Wake Me Up" realness with Ne-Yo to help give it more credibility. But I kind of see this as one of those aging estimation things they do on milk cartons for missing people, you know? I dont know, but I get the feeling that if JT was still making sweet music, he would have adapted to today's booming dance-electro-pop trend that everyone and their mom is doing right now, and that it would sound pretty similar to this. But while I actually dig this song a lot, I can't get over him forever looking like a fetus. Conor can call me back when he's gained about 30 pounds of fat and 20 pounds of muscle.
So basically I'll keep crying into my Futuresex/Lovesounds cd until Justin comes back...or until Robin Thicke releases something knew. He can definitely stay. He really is the only one that comes close and ticks almost all of the boxes.
Cheers,
Beans
