Group C

I was way too tired after 8 hours of MCAT to preview to today's matches, but I'm not bothered I'll do it now. Its not like I give intensive analysis anyway, just pictures for people to ogle and facts to ponder.

Spain vs. Italy (its currently 1-1). gonna do this one a bit differently

Spain:

Fun facts about Spain the country: home of all beautiful people (except for Sergio Busquets who is a flopping ninny), my favorite spanish rock group El Canto Del Loco, and David Bisbal of "Ava Maria" fame and spain's euro anthem that I jam to in my free time:

Italy:

Fun facts about Italy the country: home of Gelato, the boy I liked in 4th grade, one of my favorite songs/video combinations of all time, "Giulia" by Dj Lhasa vs. Gabry Ponte:

Reasons why this game is a thing:

1. The Goalies: Iker Casillas vs. Gigi Buffon

Iker is a beautiful man with the most perfect profile. He sure does cry a lot, but he's an amazing goalie that anyone should want. He used to date the most beautiful girl in the land, Eva Gonzalez and they were literally the hottest thing walking the earth. 

girl crushing so hard on her.

 Then they broke up and I cried about it, but then she pulled off the most amazing upgrade in the entire world, dating a spanish bullfighter Cayetano Rivera Ordonez. All hail queen Eva

Eva went from this...

...to this. Teach me your ways oh great one.

Goodness, he even rocks a beard like a boss. Sorry Eva just took over this post.

 Iker's done pretty well for himself too, I guess. He's dating Sara Carbonero/a (I never know. Its the pasta brand). She's beautiful and exotic looking, and they gave us the most precious moment after the Spain World Cup win.

Gigi Buffon isn't just some nobody though. He is the inexplicably hot goalie for the Azzurri (Seriously I can't explain it to myself. He slicks his hair back too much sometimes and he's old looking sometimes, but he has some stuff on a good day. and he's tanner than Tan Mom).

oh bonj!

He's won a world cup, and has a wife who is fierce as hell, Alena Seredova

She's Czech, a model and former Miss World contestant. Casual, me too. 

The games over now but these two goalies are priceless in their games. 

SIDENOTE: Michael F. Ballack just trolled Alexi Lalas to his face. Giuseppe "traitor" Rossi just got asked why he picked Italy over USA, and after a long and mostly valid explanation (his name is not Joseph y'all. His parents knew), Michael just goes "well they are the better team" and laughed a hearty German laugh. Alexi was NOT amused lawlz. He just pulled the face of that dog from the last post. Oh Michael, you're a gem.

2. Mario Balotelli: He is so much its a lot to handle. Though he doesn't seem to identify with Ghana despite his parents being from there (which is fair I guess), I'd love nothing more for John Mensah on Ghana's national team to knock some sense into him about how to act right (seriously, give him one day with the ghana squad and see if he acts out as much. This dude plays for City (for the money). On the real he has made points that are valid (the whole "i'll walk off the pitch if people are racist towards me". People say you need to be professional, ignore it and play out the game, but its a tough situation.) But then he also goes and lights fireworks in his bathroom and starts a fire. foolissh (said in my heaviest Ghanaian accent)

3. Xabi Alonso's ginger beard. People who know me know that I always appreciate a good strong beard. Xabi's beard is extra special because 1) the ginger came out of no where 2) he is absolutely beautiful without it, and so hot with it. Few people can pull that off (him and Cayetano I guess). 

4. Pirlo: because he's still playing! Gosh he's not even that old, but I feel like he's been around forever and is hording the fountain of youth. Look out for long passes and such

 

6. Nando playing not so well: I love(d) Fernando Jose Torres Sanz as much as the next girl (except if the next girl is Olalla his amazing wife. i think she loves him more), but dare I say he peaked in 2008? His hair is looking great though. Work that headband, Nando!

Honorable Mention: The Ramos' new haircut

 

Croatia vs. Ireland

I'm actually so excited for this game! Croatia always has the best socks (picnic blanket chic), and Ireland is just so excited to be there (and its home to Niall from One Direction.

Reasons to watch:

1. The Coaches: Slaven Bilic vs.  Giovanni Trapattoni

Bilic!

Slaven has always been kinda sleazy looking (his earring doesn't help), but in a weird kind of attractive older man kinda way. He's got a mouth on him sometimes but just seems to ooze cool at all other times. He plays guitar too in a heavy metal band. How many managers can pu that on their resumes?

Trap, as he's known, is pretty cool too. Super successful player and coach, he brought the Irish within a hand (Titi Henry's to be specific) of going to South Africa for the World Cup, and got them to this tournament, where they haven't been in a long while. He looks a bit like Mel Brooks. For both coaches and teams, its kind of a must win game, especially with Italy and Spain as the other half of the group.

2. Shay Given: Irish goalie. He's old, and has Dracula's hairline

3. Eduardo

Love him forever.

I'll still never get over the way Eduardo's foot broke while he was at Arsenal (google it but beware its a lot). He was never the same for us and I was really disappointed and sad to see him go. He's a muffin an a half though. Brazilian and Croatian and just a fantastic striker on his day.
4. Stephen Kelly, Ireland. His Eyes. that is all.

hey boy hey

5. Vedran Corluka, Nicolas Kranjcar
Corluka is what Clark Kent/Superman would look like in real life, holy crap. and Nico is a muffin. even if he did play for Scum

dare i say, even better in motion

bonj

6. All the Irish Gingers: truly reppin their people. Here's to you Damien Duff (you're like a strawberry blonde i guess but whatever), Paul McShane, Paul Green

schmee maybe I'll do the one for tomorrow's games laters!

Cheers,

Abena

Group A Games Review, Group B Preview

Oh man oh man, what a dramatic first game Poland-Greece was. Poland destroying the right side early, a solid header from the increasingly attractive Lewandowski to start off, Refs making harsh calls and non-calls (do they think this is Boston-Miami? lock it up), 2 players sent off (Wojciech showing his age a little bit), a saved penalty on a first touch by the replacement goalie for Poland, a goal called offside, and overall Greece rising from the dead in the second half. Talk about a way to open the tournament.

Things noted: Poland's team...much more attractive than initially anticipated. Hello Obraniak and Perquis, Welcome to the club.

Tyra taught Ludovic here how to sm-eyez.

hey boy hey

Then there was the Russia-Czech Republic game. Andrey and Tomas's adorableness as captains, Howard Webb being pretty fair as a ref despite being a dick on the reg, Jesus playing for the czechs, Everybody on Russia (except for Andrey, who is 12. seriously. he and his child could be brothers) looking like they could hurt you in hand to hand combat, all of the holes on the left side of the czech republic defense that lead to the first two goals, and then the Russians just letting guns blaze.

Also, CAN WE TALK ABOUT MICHAEL F. BALLACK FOR A MOMENT? My favorite Mr. "I've always liked 2nd place better than 1st anyway" is sitting very pretty next to the occasional tool that is the Ginger Prince of American Soccer, Alexi Lalas, using his talents at ESPN for Euro 2012 coverage. Why is his presence so great?
1. His english is precious: He is clearly probably fluent in conversational english, but not so much in the kind of language needed for close analyses in this setting. Nevertheless, his words still hold value, and it looks like he is reading off his piece of paper for the complex stuff.
2. He is so tan and good-looking: good Lord, does he know how to work a black on black suit-shirt combo or what? He's had his fashion faux-pas' in the past, like this one:

Its like a Kaleidoscope threw up on his shirt.

but when he wants to he can really turn it out. I wish I could screen cap it so the world would see.
3. He doesn't take scheisse from nobody...: Bob Ley and Alexi are trying to add some spice to their commentary, get him in on some jokes...Michael says, "danke, aber nein.":

hahahahaha not really. but like, basically.

He's all business. Or doesn't understand the lingo exactly (see point number one). Example:
Bob Ley: Who do you like in this group, Michael
Michael Ballack: it doesn't matter who I like. Here's who is going to win...
Bob Ley:...(probably thinking yeah thats what i meant but whatever)
or when Alexi was like "You're a good looking man but I'm going to have to disagree with you" and Michael give the shortest laugh (a smirk really) and then went into:

but he's loosening up. Kinda. Gah he is great.

But tomorrow some of us that dont have 8 bloody hours of no-fun will get to see the Group B matches. As soon as I and the rest of the world saw this groups line ups, it was pretty freaking obvious that this was the "Group of Death": Germany, Denmark, Portugal, and the Netherlands. It could easily have been referred to as the "Group of incomparable beauty." So whatever, here are the matches!

Netherlands vs. Denmark:

Denmark:

Danesssssssss

Fun Facts about Denmark the country: home of Alphabeat: my preferred 7-piece pop group out there right now, norse Gods (Almighty Johnsons for the win!), and apparently the happiest people anywhere.

If you're not watching this show, you probably dont live in New Zealand. Regardless, you're missing out.

Reasons to like them:

1.  Morten Olsen: the coach! I'm all about loyalty, and this dude's been the Danish coach sine 2000. He's stepping down after Euro, but he's credited with helping reach championships and such. Team is affectionately called Olsen's Eleven.

2. Nicklas Bendtner: Super Nick is a character to say the least. Formerly a pink-booted Arsenal man, he now plows his trade somewhere that I dont care about (...or maybe its Sunderland, I dunno). Confident is an understandment when it comes to him but his feet dont always follow his mouth. But he had a baby with Danish pseudo-royalty and his pretty good looking, so he's got that going for him

"I am one of the best strikers in the world". i love ya Nick, but that is #shitnoonesaysaboutyou

2. Simon Kjaer: because he looks like an Angel...with sleeve tattoos. but still. angelic.

yup heaven's that way.

3. Daniel Agger: Tough defender. Super cute. He's a tattoo artist! Norse god-like if I ever saw one

an oldie but a goody.

Netherlands:

Wahoowa orange is a great color.

Fun Facts about the Netherlands the country: home of everyone with the last name Van something, model Doutzen Kroes, and my homegirl Jenna Schilstra's dad. and the best kits still!

Reasons to like them:

1.  The WAGs. The wives and girlfriends of these players are among my favorite, and should probably be yours as well. 

a) Bouchra Van Persie: she is the Queen of my heart. Moroccan-dutch, married to Arsenal Captain Robin van Persie (there is a clear Arsenal bias in this blog), and mother of two kidnappable kids, Shaqueel (SHAQUEEL VAN PERSIE IS THE FUTURE) and Dina. She is beautiful and just a boss. 

being flawless with Robin

b) Sylvie van de vaart: probably head of the Dutch wags. Sylvie is married to Rafael Van de Vaart (who plays for scum). She's known for her big eyes and big hair. She also beat cancer. She is a survivor in 7 inch heels. and she rocked a orange dutch dress for the last euros.

there's a precious story about how she was worried about losing all her hair when she had cancer, and Rafa told her he loved her no matter what she looked like and how it gave her confidence to appear on dutch tv without a wig. 4 for you, Rafa!

2. Nigel de Jong: He's pretty well known for Karate chopping Xabi Alonso during the World Cup and general murderous challenges (as my mother always says "if you dont get the ball, get the man"). Between him and Van Bommel ( another holding mid at its fiestiest) They WILL get the ball back at all costs. so you know, if you're into that.



3. Gregory Van de Wiel: just hope that the players trade jerseys at the end. s'all i'm saying...

"its alright son, everyone loses their jersey sometimes"

Based on nothing, the winner will be: The Flying Dutchmen!

Portugal vs Germany

Portugal: 

Someone once asked in high school "why didn't spain just invade portugal?"

Fun facts about Portugal the country: home of the coolest language ever, Jose Mourinho, and original home of the parents of Lucenzo, who changed my life with this song:

...so good.

Reasons to like them:

1. Cristiano Ronaldo: Okay, I actually was not the biggest CR7 fan. Absolutely hated him at Manchester United. But since his move to Real Madrid he's become a lot more tolerable. And you can't deny he's a baller. This picture doesn't hurt though. 

casual.

Irina, his beard (Cris and Kaka one true pairing 4 lyfe)

...but as is probably obvious I get attached to couples a lot (POSH AND BECKS 4 LYFE), and I like his WAG decently enough. Irina Shayk is a Russian model. Has an interesting upper lip, but overall is super model gorgeous.

2. Fabio Ceontrao: I dunno he's adorbs. and his hair looks like fireworks

he gets Rod Stewart hair from time to time. 

3. Nelson Oliviera: I remember this guy from the u-20 World Cup last year! He has Zayn from one direction hair on good days. On off days he doesn't look bad though. I think he's one to watch. Mostly because everyone and their mother says its CR and Nani, but I hate Nani and dont advocate anyone liking him.

gets to play with the big boys now

Germany:

OH ZE GERMAAANS ARE HERE

Fun Facts about Germany the country: I went there once for a wedding when I was 5, home of Fettes Brot a german rap group (see video below), and a weirdly loyal following of David Hasslehoff

...think German beastie boys.

Reasons to like them:

1. Jogi Loew: He will undoubtedly be the best dressed coach at the tournament. Since Klinsy's with us now, Jogi is leading the way in clean coaching fashion. I hope he brings the casual grandpa sweater back.

he's just giving them out now, innit?

2. ALL OF THE MUFFINS: are on this team- Holger, Thomas, Mats, Mesut, Sami, Basti, Lukas, and more! I am indeed on a first name basis with all of them and they are beyond adorable. Even Mario Gomez, who you might not understand at first. But he grows on you. Check out Holger (German Justin Bieber) and Basti dancing: 

3. German WAGs: they all look like generally nice girls who have been dating their men since birth and then decided to get married and be happy forever.

Thomas Mueller and Lisa Mueller.  So freaking cute.

Based on nothing, the winner will be: ze Germans!

 alright, happy Euro 2012!

 Beans

EUROOOOOOOOOOOOOOnlyLiveOnce2012

Today marks the start of the European Football Championship. And I am as giddy as this girl right here on this giant christmas tree:

i seriously can't look at this picture without laughing

The last go around was so much fun to watch, with the Spanish team finally losing their title of perennial losers (as my Uncle always described them) and being drunk the whole rest of the summer into their respective club seasons (I'm talking to you, Cesc), Not even realizing the English weren't there, Germans being Germans (clinical as per usual), and the Dutch being scary good at the beginning and the most sharply dressed with their hot retro-style kits:

BEST. KITS. EVER. the collar. the sock color. the fit. Literally perfect.

I can only hope that this year's affair will be just as exciting, entertaining, and aesthetically pleasing (both the footy and the men). Since Euro 2008 we've gotten to witness the emergence of a crap ton of young talents (lots of which was on display at the World Cup two years ago). True talent always seems to show its colors during big championships so I'm excited for more break out performances. The drama's already started off the pitch (racist wank cant stop wont stop) (more racism wank), but hopefully the focus can shift to the performances on the pitch pretty soon.

Not that I'm one to focus solely on the football though. There's so much that goes into this, and I plan to indulge in all of it. Like for instance, the official song of the tournament:

...not bad. It reminds me a lot of "No Speak Americano" which isn't necessarily a bad thing if you like bouncy songs most likely played at boat bars on the River Rhone in Lyon like I do (WAAAAH LYON ME MANQUE). It doesn't have anything to do with football, but makes use of great footage from the last championship and has lots of superfluous juggling of soccer balls and half-dressed women, which is always exciting (Enrique taught her well). Its an interesting (weird) choice of sound for the official song though, given that the tournament is set in Eastern Europe, but whatever.The individual country songs are always more fun and on point anyway. Like this Irish one:

 

Its exactly what you'd expect it to be haha. Someone probably will beat the Irish, but you've got to admire their spirit you know? The German one's all show-tuney (but again, I love ze Germans), The Dutch one has a whole bunch of ducks (wait, the dutch are so good at this. or bad, i can't tell yet), the Spanish have the Ava Maria guy (I'm ALL about this. I belong in a european dance club. I would thrive like no other), the Danes went boyband-rapper chic and i dont hate it at all, and England did whatever this is (its quite catchy though), Those are all I've found so far, but the night is young (jk its not. I have studying to do. I can't be looking up unofficial songs all night...i would though).

But back to the football...kind of. The first day's games go to group A and one half of the hosts. Poland plays Greece and later Russia plays the Czech Republic. Because all I'm good for is watching and enjoying the games and reacting to what I see in the most obvious of ways, I can't offer any real/intelligent analysis of who is better or who might win. So I'm going to do what I do best: make rash judgements based on unimportant things, and give uninformative reasons for the casual fan to support a team. 

Poland vs. Greece

Poland: 

Hi Lu-Lu!

Fun Facts about Poland the country: the home of the sports camp my church runs, Marie Curie, and Agnieszka  Radwanska of tennis semi-fame (if you're into tennis like I am).
Reasons to like them:
1. Wojciech Szczesny (pronounced Voy-check Chesney): He is my Arsenal goalkeeper and a general goofball (our other goalie is Polish too actually, Lukas Fabianski. Often called "Flappy-hands-ski". Probably why he isn't on the squad oops. Woj is better). He speaks kinda like a brit since he's been wih Arsenal forever. He has his own series on the Arsenal Website where he challenges his teammates to do stuff. basically he's the personality man.
2. Robert Lewandowski: Plays for Dortmund  in Germany, who just won the Bundesliga (pretty sure he was player of the year). He's like 23 and has 42 caps for Poland and 14 goals, so he's definitely one to watch. He's kinda cute...

 ...if you're into the perpetual bedroom eyes look (like he's about to fall asleep kinda way...and scarves). 
3. Sebastian Boenisch: Plays for Werder Bremen. Is pretty. but looks like he smelled a fart in most of his pictures. Homeboy can't smile properly. this one's fine though. He probably enjoys long walks on the beach.

Greece:

Opa!

Fun Facts about Greece the country: the home of the 2004 Olympics, a lot of debt, Winner of the 2004 European Championship, home of Zeus and his posse of gods
Reasons to like them:
1. Their away shirts are BALLER and far superior to their home shirts.

2. Sotiris Ninis: Look at his muffin. How could you not like him?

he looks like a child you would steal.

3. This guy:

...despite his awful hair, he might have a secret passion for classical opera and baking. But you wouldn't know that because you didn't look twice because of his awful terrible hair. Take a chance on him, ladies.


Based on nothing, i predict the win here goes to: Poland!

Russia vs. Czech Republic

Russia: 

this is just an excuse to put Marat's picture up.

 Fun Facts about Russia the country: the home of the most angry but beautiful man to ever grace a tennis court (and now a member of Parliment!) Marat Safin (pictured above. google him), location of THE BEST wildlife documentary series "Wild Russia" (Animal Planet, watch it), and home of vodka
Reasons to like them:
1. Andre Arshavin: full time footballer with a fashion degree who answers questions in the silliest of ways on his website. I still consider him an Arsenal man even though he is on loan and didn't really do much on the pitch for us the last two years. He's my favorite 15 year old looking 31 year old. Had a budding bromance with Nicklas Bendtner before Nicky got shipped off to wherever. 
2. Aleksandr Kerzhakov: because he's got some stuff (Bridesmaids reference, thank you)...in a terminator I might kill you kinda way

hey boy hey

3. Yuri Zhirkov: because he's got oldface and a funny rude-sounding last name

i should have just put another picture of Marat up...

Czech Republic:

Fun Facts about Czech Republic the country: Was formerly known as Bohemia, and home of Frank Kafka 
Reasons to like them:
1. Milan Baros: mostly because hoo know he was still around? Like, whats he been doing? Finding himself? Emmaus Walk?

he'll always be my favorite first guy who tackled Xabi after that penalty put-back in the Champions League Final to me.

2. TOMAS ROSICKY: this man deserves all caps and all of your love. he is an Arsenal man (previously perpetually injured) and a Spice Boy (part of the Arsenal epic bromance that i'll always remember from 2006/2007/2008). He has the silliest hair which he wears long and parts down the middle (I forgive it though). but when he is on, man is he on. soccer-wise, obviously. and he reacts to goals like this a lot.

i just love him so much.He's like an anime character.

3. Theodor Gebre Selassie: Half Czech, half Ethiopian, first black player to play for the team. If you dont support that, you're probably a racist. Plus he looks like he has silky smooth skin.

shame about these kits though. To be fair, I've never been a huge fan of Puma.

Based on nothing, i predict the win here goes to: I'm thinking it'll be a tie, but if I had to, I'd say Russia.

So onto the games! Goodness I love football.

Here is a gratuitous picture of a non-European football hottie (because they need love too):

Carlos Bocanegra. If I were American, I'd be proud.

Waka waka and all that,

Beans