Group A Games Review, Group B Preview

Oh man oh man, what a dramatic first game Poland-Greece was. Poland destroying the right side early, a solid header from the increasingly attractive Lewandowski to start off, Refs making harsh calls and non-calls (do they think this is Boston-Miami? lock it up), 2 players sent off (Wojciech showing his age a little bit), a saved penalty on a first touch by the replacement goalie for Poland, a goal called offside, and overall Greece rising from the dead in the second half. Talk about a way to open the tournament.

Things noted: Poland's team...much more attractive than initially anticipated. Hello Obraniak and Perquis, Welcome to the club.

Tyra taught Ludovic here how to sm-eyez.

hey boy hey

Then there was the Russia-Czech Republic game. Andrey and Tomas's adorableness as captains, Howard Webb being pretty fair as a ref despite being a dick on the reg, Jesus playing for the czechs, Everybody on Russia (except for Andrey, who is 12. seriously. he and his child could be brothers) looking like they could hurt you in hand to hand combat, all of the holes on the left side of the czech republic defense that lead to the first two goals, and then the Russians just letting guns blaze.

Also, CAN WE TALK ABOUT MICHAEL F. BALLACK FOR A MOMENT? My favorite Mr. "I've always liked 2nd place better than 1st anyway" is sitting very pretty next to the occasional tool that is the Ginger Prince of American Soccer, Alexi Lalas, using his talents at ESPN for Euro 2012 coverage. Why is his presence so great?
1. His english is precious: He is clearly probably fluent in conversational english, but not so much in the kind of language needed for close analyses in this setting. Nevertheless, his words still hold value, and it looks like he is reading off his piece of paper for the complex stuff.
2. He is so tan and good-looking: good Lord, does he know how to work a black on black suit-shirt combo or what? He's had his fashion faux-pas' in the past, like this one:

Its like a Kaleidoscope threw up on his shirt.

but when he wants to he can really turn it out. I wish I could screen cap it so the world would see.
3. He doesn't take scheisse from nobody...: Bob Ley and Alexi are trying to add some spice to their commentary, get him in on some jokes...Michael says, "danke, aber nein.":

hahahahaha not really. but like, basically.

He's all business. Or doesn't understand the lingo exactly (see point number one). Example:
Bob Ley: Who do you like in this group, Michael
Michael Ballack: it doesn't matter who I like. Here's who is going to win...
Bob Ley:...(probably thinking yeah thats what i meant but whatever)
or when Alexi was like "You're a good looking man but I'm going to have to disagree with you" and Michael give the shortest laugh (a smirk really) and then went into:

but he's loosening up. Kinda. Gah he is great.

But tomorrow some of us that dont have 8 bloody hours of no-fun will get to see the Group B matches. As soon as I and the rest of the world saw this groups line ups, it was pretty freaking obvious that this was the "Group of Death": Germany, Denmark, Portugal, and the Netherlands. It could easily have been referred to as the "Group of incomparable beauty." So whatever, here are the matches!

Netherlands vs. Denmark:

Denmark:

Danesssssssss

Fun Facts about Denmark the country: home of Alphabeat: my preferred 7-piece pop group out there right now, norse Gods (Almighty Johnsons for the win!), and apparently the happiest people anywhere.

If you're not watching this show, you probably dont live in New Zealand. Regardless, you're missing out.

Reasons to like them:

1.  Morten Olsen: the coach! I'm all about loyalty, and this dude's been the Danish coach sine 2000. He's stepping down after Euro, but he's credited with helping reach championships and such. Team is affectionately called Olsen's Eleven.

2. Nicklas Bendtner: Super Nick is a character to say the least. Formerly a pink-booted Arsenal man, he now plows his trade somewhere that I dont care about (...or maybe its Sunderland, I dunno). Confident is an understandment when it comes to him but his feet dont always follow his mouth. But he had a baby with Danish pseudo-royalty and his pretty good looking, so he's got that going for him

"I am one of the best strikers in the world". i love ya Nick, but that is #shitnoonesaysaboutyou

2. Simon Kjaer: because he looks like an Angel...with sleeve tattoos. but still. angelic.

yup heaven's that way.

3. Daniel Agger: Tough defender. Super cute. He's a tattoo artist! Norse god-like if I ever saw one

an oldie but a goody.

Netherlands:

Wahoowa orange is a great color.

Fun Facts about the Netherlands the country: home of everyone with the last name Van something, model Doutzen Kroes, and my homegirl Jenna Schilstra's dad. and the best kits still!

Reasons to like them:

1.  The WAGs. The wives and girlfriends of these players are among my favorite, and should probably be yours as well. 

a) Bouchra Van Persie: she is the Queen of my heart. Moroccan-dutch, married to Arsenal Captain Robin van Persie (there is a clear Arsenal bias in this blog), and mother of two kidnappable kids, Shaqueel (SHAQUEEL VAN PERSIE IS THE FUTURE) and Dina. She is beautiful and just a boss. 

being flawless with Robin

b) Sylvie van de vaart: probably head of the Dutch wags. Sylvie is married to Rafael Van de Vaart (who plays for scum). She's known for her big eyes and big hair. She also beat cancer. She is a survivor in 7 inch heels. and she rocked a orange dutch dress for the last euros.

there's a precious story about how she was worried about losing all her hair when she had cancer, and Rafa told her he loved her no matter what she looked like and how it gave her confidence to appear on dutch tv without a wig. 4 for you, Rafa!

2. Nigel de Jong: He's pretty well known for Karate chopping Xabi Alonso during the World Cup and general murderous challenges (as my mother always says "if you dont get the ball, get the man"). Between him and Van Bommel ( another holding mid at its fiestiest) They WILL get the ball back at all costs. so you know, if you're into that.



3. Gregory Van de Wiel: just hope that the players trade jerseys at the end. s'all i'm saying...

"its alright son, everyone loses their jersey sometimes"

Based on nothing, the winner will be: The Flying Dutchmen!

Portugal vs Germany

Portugal: 

Someone once asked in high school "why didn't spain just invade portugal?"

Fun facts about Portugal the country: home of the coolest language ever, Jose Mourinho, and original home of the parents of Lucenzo, who changed my life with this song:

...so good.

Reasons to like them:

1. Cristiano Ronaldo: Okay, I actually was not the biggest CR7 fan. Absolutely hated him at Manchester United. But since his move to Real Madrid he's become a lot more tolerable. And you can't deny he's a baller. This picture doesn't hurt though. 

casual.

Irina, his beard (Cris and Kaka one true pairing 4 lyfe)

...but as is probably obvious I get attached to couples a lot (POSH AND BECKS 4 LYFE), and I like his WAG decently enough. Irina Shayk is a Russian model. Has an interesting upper lip, but overall is super model gorgeous.

2. Fabio Ceontrao: I dunno he's adorbs. and his hair looks like fireworks

he gets Rod Stewart hair from time to time. 

3. Nelson Oliviera: I remember this guy from the u-20 World Cup last year! He has Zayn from one direction hair on good days. On off days he doesn't look bad though. I think he's one to watch. Mostly because everyone and their mother says its CR and Nani, but I hate Nani and dont advocate anyone liking him.

gets to play with the big boys now

Germany:

OH ZE GERMAAANS ARE HERE

Fun Facts about Germany the country: I went there once for a wedding when I was 5, home of Fettes Brot a german rap group (see video below), and a weirdly loyal following of David Hasslehoff

...think German beastie boys.

Reasons to like them:

1. Jogi Loew: He will undoubtedly be the best dressed coach at the tournament. Since Klinsy's with us now, Jogi is leading the way in clean coaching fashion. I hope he brings the casual grandpa sweater back.

he's just giving them out now, innit?

2. ALL OF THE MUFFINS: are on this team- Holger, Thomas, Mats, Mesut, Sami, Basti, Lukas, and more! I am indeed on a first name basis with all of them and they are beyond adorable. Even Mario Gomez, who you might not understand at first. But he grows on you. Check out Holger (German Justin Bieber) and Basti dancing: 

3. German WAGs: they all look like generally nice girls who have been dating their men since birth and then decided to get married and be happy forever.

Thomas Mueller and Lisa Mueller.  So freaking cute.

Based on nothing, the winner will be: ze Germans!

 alright, happy Euro 2012!

 Beans