EUROOOOOOOOOOOOOOnlyLiveOnce2012

Today marks the start of the European Football Championship. And I am as giddy as this girl right here on this giant christmas tree:

i seriously can't look at this picture without laughing

The last go around was so much fun to watch, with the Spanish team finally losing their title of perennial losers (as my Uncle always described them) and being drunk the whole rest of the summer into their respective club seasons (I'm talking to you, Cesc), Not even realizing the English weren't there, Germans being Germans (clinical as per usual), and the Dutch being scary good at the beginning and the most sharply dressed with their hot retro-style kits:

BEST. KITS. EVER. the collar. the sock color. the fit. Literally perfect.

I can only hope that this year's affair will be just as exciting, entertaining, and aesthetically pleasing (both the footy and the men). Since Euro 2008 we've gotten to witness the emergence of a crap ton of young talents (lots of which was on display at the World Cup two years ago). True talent always seems to show its colors during big championships so I'm excited for more break out performances. The drama's already started off the pitch (racist wank cant stop wont stop) (more racism wank), but hopefully the focus can shift to the performances on the pitch pretty soon.

Not that I'm one to focus solely on the football though. There's so much that goes into this, and I plan to indulge in all of it. Like for instance, the official song of the tournament:

...not bad. It reminds me a lot of "No Speak Americano" which isn't necessarily a bad thing if you like bouncy songs most likely played at boat bars on the River Rhone in Lyon like I do (WAAAAH LYON ME MANQUE). It doesn't have anything to do with football, but makes use of great footage from the last championship and has lots of superfluous juggling of soccer balls and half-dressed women, which is always exciting (Enrique taught her well). Its an interesting (weird) choice of sound for the official song though, given that the tournament is set in Eastern Europe, but whatever.The individual country songs are always more fun and on point anyway. Like this Irish one:

 

Its exactly what you'd expect it to be haha. Someone probably will beat the Irish, but you've got to admire their spirit you know? The German one's all show-tuney (but again, I love ze Germans), The Dutch one has a whole bunch of ducks (wait, the dutch are so good at this. or bad, i can't tell yet), the Spanish have the Ava Maria guy (I'm ALL about this. I belong in a european dance club. I would thrive like no other), the Danes went boyband-rapper chic and i dont hate it at all, and England did whatever this is (its quite catchy though), Those are all I've found so far, but the night is young (jk its not. I have studying to do. I can't be looking up unofficial songs all night...i would though).

But back to the football...kind of. The first day's games go to group A and one half of the hosts. Poland plays Greece and later Russia plays the Czech Republic. Because all I'm good for is watching and enjoying the games and reacting to what I see in the most obvious of ways, I can't offer any real/intelligent analysis of who is better or who might win. So I'm going to do what I do best: make rash judgements based on unimportant things, and give uninformative reasons for the casual fan to support a team. 

Poland vs. Greece

Poland: 

Hi Lu-Lu!

Fun Facts about Poland the country: the home of the sports camp my church runs, Marie Curie, and Agnieszka  Radwanska of tennis semi-fame (if you're into tennis like I am).
Reasons to like them:
1. Wojciech Szczesny (pronounced Voy-check Chesney): He is my Arsenal goalkeeper and a general goofball (our other goalie is Polish too actually, Lukas Fabianski. Often called "Flappy-hands-ski". Probably why he isn't on the squad oops. Woj is better). He speaks kinda like a brit since he's been wih Arsenal forever. He has his own series on the Arsenal Website where he challenges his teammates to do stuff. basically he's the personality man.
2. Robert Lewandowski: Plays for Dortmund  in Germany, who just won the Bundesliga (pretty sure he was player of the year). He's like 23 and has 42 caps for Poland and 14 goals, so he's definitely one to watch. He's kinda cute...

 ...if you're into the perpetual bedroom eyes look (like he's about to fall asleep kinda way...and scarves). 
3. Sebastian Boenisch: Plays for Werder Bremen. Is pretty. but looks like he smelled a fart in most of his pictures. Homeboy can't smile properly. this one's fine though. He probably enjoys long walks on the beach.

Greece:

Opa!

Fun Facts about Greece the country: the home of the 2004 Olympics, a lot of debt, Winner of the 2004 European Championship, home of Zeus and his posse of gods
Reasons to like them:
1. Their away shirts are BALLER and far superior to their home shirts.

2. Sotiris Ninis: Look at his muffin. How could you not like him?

he looks like a child you would steal.

3. This guy:

...despite his awful hair, he might have a secret passion for classical opera and baking. But you wouldn't know that because you didn't look twice because of his awful terrible hair. Take a chance on him, ladies.


Based on nothing, i predict the win here goes to: Poland!

Russia vs. Czech Republic

Russia: 

this is just an excuse to put Marat's picture up.

 Fun Facts about Russia the country: the home of the most angry but beautiful man to ever grace a tennis court (and now a member of Parliment!) Marat Safin (pictured above. google him), location of THE BEST wildlife documentary series "Wild Russia" (Animal Planet, watch it), and home of vodka
Reasons to like them:
1. Andre Arshavin: full time footballer with a fashion degree who answers questions in the silliest of ways on his website. I still consider him an Arsenal man even though he is on loan and didn't really do much on the pitch for us the last two years. He's my favorite 15 year old looking 31 year old. Had a budding bromance with Nicklas Bendtner before Nicky got shipped off to wherever. 
2. Aleksandr Kerzhakov: because he's got some stuff (Bridesmaids reference, thank you)...in a terminator I might kill you kinda way

hey boy hey

3. Yuri Zhirkov: because he's got oldface and a funny rude-sounding last name

i should have just put another picture of Marat up...

Czech Republic:

Fun Facts about Czech Republic the country: Was formerly known as Bohemia, and home of Frank Kafka 
Reasons to like them:
1. Milan Baros: mostly because hoo know he was still around? Like, whats he been doing? Finding himself? Emmaus Walk?

he'll always be my favorite first guy who tackled Xabi after that penalty put-back in the Champions League Final to me.

2. TOMAS ROSICKY: this man deserves all caps and all of your love. he is an Arsenal man (previously perpetually injured) and a Spice Boy (part of the Arsenal epic bromance that i'll always remember from 2006/2007/2008). He has the silliest hair which he wears long and parts down the middle (I forgive it though). but when he is on, man is he on. soccer-wise, obviously. and he reacts to goals like this a lot.

i just love him so much.He's like an anime character.

3. Theodor Gebre Selassie: Half Czech, half Ethiopian, first black player to play for the team. If you dont support that, you're probably a racist. Plus he looks like he has silky smooth skin.

shame about these kits though. To be fair, I've never been a huge fan of Puma.

Based on nothing, i predict the win here goes to: I'm thinking it'll be a tie, but if I had to, I'd say Russia.

So onto the games! Goodness I love football.

Here is a gratuitous picture of a non-European football hottie (because they need love too):

Carlos Bocanegra. If I were American, I'd be proud.

Waka waka and all that,

Beans